Why Do You Do What You Do?
Do you ever think about why you chose your profession? I mean why from a deep down place, not the easy answer, not the surface response.
I recently found old photos that sparked conversation with my husband. Pictures of the African boarding school I attended from the age of six.
There were a lot of cool things about boarding school, for example, constantly being surrounded by a group of BFFs from all over the globe.
And we were in a tropical paradise. What’s not to love?
Well, to look at it more closely, everything wasn’t perfect. The dorm in the photo housed approximately 45 kids from 4th-8th grades, along with two married houseparents who were on duty six and a half days each week, including working all day Saturday and Sunday–every weekend–except for during school breaks. Once a week, they had respite when a substitute covered their evening shift. That was their time off
Just let the realities sink in for a moment.
Job seekers, does that sound like a dream job? Wouldn’t you snap it right up?
And parents, if you were in the market for a boarding school, is that the adult-to-child ratio you would seek? If you have middle school age kids, you know it is a particularly challenging age, one that tries the the patience and resources of a typical family. Can you imagine two adults successfully nurturing your middle school child–and forty-something others?
I had some wonderful career houseparents (shout out to the McCauleys, the Royers, the Cayfords) but besides them, I mostly had a series of short-term “pinch-hitters” who stayed from weeks to months. I think of them as pinch-hitters because they were often conscripted from other jobs, unrelated professions, to fill a desperate need at the school. Some of these people did not even seem to like children, much less have the aptitude and skills to run a dorm.* Because I was a child, I don’t know what kind of training new houseparents received behind the scenes but to the best of my recollection, none of it occurred on-the-job, with us; there was never a time when an experienced houseparent worked alongside the newbie during their first days at the dorm. And there were almost never visits from supervisors while houseparents were on shift.
I want to stress that I had a lot of fun in boarding school, as well as amazing, incredible, unique experiences I wouldn’t trade for anything. If I had to go back and do my life over, I wouldn’t want to miss out on any of it. But that doesn’t mean it was ideal. At best, there was not enough adult attention to go around and children suffered repetitive cycles of grief and loss as described by David C. Pollack and Ruth E. Van Reken. At worst, many encountered abuse at the hands of their caregivers and peers; and the school, like many institutions, was honestly (given the times) ill-equipped to prevent, recognize and deal with inevitable and sickening abuses that occasionally occurred at the hands of staff or older children.
Although I realize that the administration and faculty were doing the best they could given the circumstances and then-current thinking, as I moved into adulthood, I was struck with the feeling that in an ideal world, a boarding school could do a whole lot better. The school could carefully select houseparents based on their skills, education, passion to make a lasting difference in the lives of youth. It could offer an intentional, well thought out training program, enhanced supervision, a saner work schedule allowing more work/life balance. It could find ways to recognize and reward staff for their sacrifices, hard work and performance. The school could employ the latest research about child development focusing on the dynamics that occur when children are raised in congregate settings away from home. And hey–there would be a professional counselor to help prospective children and parents prepare for boarding school, monitor new children and help them adjust, work closely with houseparents to help them navigate developmental stages and the range of responses that children have when separated from family; to run groups, prevent and address bullying, teach children teamwork, and so much more.
So I think about all that now and obviously I can’t go back and change and correct my childhood. Coincidentally (or not so coincidentally) since leaving college, I have mostly worked in residential settings with people who have developmental disabilities. The parallels to my childhood are obvious; vulnerable persons at the mercy of their caregivers behind closed doors. I can’t go back and fix any shortcomings of my own upbringing, but I can passionately try to make a difference with my disabled clients now through more intentional, progressive HR practices.
So that’s why I do what I do. Why do you?
*Big exception: Bill and Jimmye Whitfield. You were awesome!
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Even though I had a great experience at Hillcrest and at ELM House, I decided very early on, before my husband and I went on the field that I would never send my kids to boarding school. And I do not regret my decision. What I see having been on the field almost 15 years is that missions schools are almost always without adequate resources and they barely make ends meet. They often have to bring on first year, inexperienced teachers or have teachers for only 6 months or a year. Almost everyone is doing their best have good motives for being there, but everyone is stressed out! So it is hard enough to keep a good health family situation when you are all living together overseas. I can’t imagine how it could be well when you are living in a stressful environment apart from your parents.
I, too, have a strong desire to help others in their woundedness which is part of my deep reason for becoming a missionary – but WITH my kids right beside me!
Good questions! Good blog!
Good points, Kim! One thing I didn’t mention was that we were living in a “kids are seen and not heard” kind of environment which I hope is no longer the case. Also that older kids could have a great experience at boarding school but it was especially difficult for the little ones. I was a scrappy, feisty tomboy but at six years old, I still needed my mommy… By the time I got to high school, boarding school was a was different experience. We had so much fun!
Sad to say, Kim is right, a lot of those abusive situations and poor staffing are still going on in boarding schools. I think the difference today is a lot more parents are aware of it (maybe because they went to a boarding school themselves) and don’t choose to put their kids in that situation, whereas when we were in school it was expected and not questioned.
What a great reflection on how boarding school affected your career choice. For me, my strongest memories of being at boarding school when I was really young are of being hungry ALL THE TIME. I couldn’t eat the food, it was terrible, and when there was something good there was never enough to go around. I think I probably could have been a poster child for malnutrition. Wouldn’t you know it I have a degree in nutrition today. I worked for the WIC program (a supplemental food program for women, infants and children) for many years, also as food service director at a daycare center and then a nursing home, and am slightly obsessed with cooking and eating!
Elizabeth Quinn´s last [type] ..Pumpkin seeds- packed with pleasure
You go, Krista! Sharing your experience with reasoned from-all-sides reflection can only help understanding and healing in the ‘less than ideal’ you and others experienced in these kinds of settings.
@Elizabeth, that’s so interesting that your memories surround being hungry and now you work with food. I can relate; although I don’t have a degree in nutrition and I’m not paid to work with food, I believe I am much more interested in cooking because of my boarding school experience. Having access to a kitchen during school breaks seemed like an incredible luxury. I remember being in second or third grade and writing recipes for some pretty adventurous things, like guava cheesecake (where did I get that from? I’d never had cheesecake. But I still think that guava and cheese go well together.) I wrote another recipe for an ear of corn dipped in egg and a breading mixture and fried. My mom actually let me try this one out and we cooked it over a fire in our washhouse. I think the results were pretty disappointing, but the point is that my mom encouraged my creativity.
Anyway, I am glad that you have turned your childhood into a career! And BTW, I’m thinking of making your spicy pumpkin and eggplant stew for Thanksgiving.
@Tim, thanks for your support and comment!
Comments from FaceBook. M.A.: “Krista, very thought provoking article. As someone whose parents were the house parents we saw the challenges from different perspectives. My parents loved the parenting of the kids and it truly was a calling for them. They were blessed by so many and we(their kids) have been blessed by them as well in the last year.” My brother: “Besides Elvis and BettyLou the best houseparents I had were Al and Jacie Personaire who were both former Hillcresters and I felt they understood us better than some others (who I won’t reveal).” Frances: “Great article, Krista, it’s interesting to see you life as a boarder examined from your now adult perspective. As a non-boarding Hillcrester, I felt deeply sorry for the young primary school boarders, but then I thought boarding would’ve been a blast when I got to highschool!”