Losing a Friend at Work (Friends in HR Places)
If you work in HR, you know it can be hard to form close friendships at work, especially in a small HR department, because you know too many secrets. It’s hard to form sincere, meaningful friendships when you have access to everyone’s pay and performance information, when you know who’s struggling, who’s sleeping with whom, who has accused whom of what; and you have to be fair and impartial and all that.
And at the same time, we are all familiar with Gallup research indicating that one of twelve indicators of strong ‘engagement’ is having a good or best friend at work. So, my HR colleagues, tell me: are you able to do it? Can you develop and sustain true friendships at work? As for me, I feel a strong connection with several co-workers, but with rare exceptions, we don’t socialize outside of the office. I’m friendly with lots of people, but I don’t have many true friends at work.
Fact: Working in HR can be lonely.
About five years ago at a job fair, I started talking with two other nonprofit social services HR pros, Liberty and Amy, and we quickly became fast friends, meeting every month or two for lunch. We’d get some good food and vent, chat, share our family stories, vent, celebrate birthdays, talk about our husbands and kids, vent, enjoy some time together, share what we were doing in our HR departments.
Between our lunches, we e-mailed each other back and forth, asking for advice and suggestions on HR issues.
I enjoyed our get-togethers more than I could describe. Every meeting was so gratifying, so energizing that I likened it to a mini spa vacation. I loved how we supported each other through challenges, though probably–in retrospect–I did inevitably take my friends for granted just a bit, assuming I would always have them in my life.
After five years of semi-regular lunches, I was taken aback when in the space of three weeks, first Amy and then Liberty announced they’d accepted new jobs. And not just any new jobs, but jobs in the corporate world.
They’re leaving me and our nonprofit social services world.
Of course, we can still be friends. And we will will always be. But realistically, I know they will be caught up and busy in their new roles and the likelihood that we’ll continue to get together on such a regular basis is slim. Things will change.
I feel sadness, loss, something akin to grief. While I wish Amy and Liberty every success, I am losing my best friends at work and I recognize I will need to find another way to meet the very human need for friendship and support.
I’m wondering how other HR pros feel about the friendship issue. Are you able to form deep, meaningful friendships in the office? If so, how? If not, how do you meet your need for friendships at work?
And Liberty and Amy,if you’re reading this: thanks for your support and friendship over the last years. I appreciate you, I thank you, I love you, I wish you every happiness always, and I hope that we can continue to be part of each others’ lives.
photo by McBeth
Krista-
It is true, HR and Managemnet can be “lonely” I agree. You are privy to secrets and highly confidential information. It is very difficult to be “friends” with co-workers on a personal level. I always found it good to connect with people in similar positions to yours outside of the company. I am so glad we have become friends, and you and I talk often. Although it is hard to lose conncetion with these people, you will make new friends..
Miss you!
Shennee
Thanks, Shennee, I do value your friendship so much! I’m glad we met.
This post speaks right to my heart and a challenge that I have had throughout my decade-plus of this work. My experience has been that, when I am in a particular organization, I do not form close friendships. When I move on, then I find that I form strong bonds with my former co-workers. But during the time that I’m the HR person working with them, the distance is there, and it is, unfortunately, important to maintain to a degree. This has been acutely true when I am a soloist (as I am currently). I am able to be more effective as a coach, teacher, and advocate for both the company and the people, when there is neither real nor perceived personal bonds with individuals.
We have to find our source of strong engagement without it. Tough at times. My experience has been that we need to find ways to engage with the goals of the organization when appropriate, or with how effective we can be to help the people there do the best work of their lives. But we seek the friendship connection away from our workplace and that doesn’t add to our work-engagement.
Outstanding post, Krista – you have touched a topic that so many of us live with and rarely discuss. And people outside of HR often don’t understand why we don’t socialize with people we work with.
Thanks!
Richard
This is an excellent post, Krista!
I learned this lesson the hard way many years ago when someone who I work with and became really close friends with started having issues at work and it was not brought to my attention because it was thought that I would not be objective. I can see why and I’m okay with it…now.
Since then, at new positions, I make it a point not to go out of my way to become too friendly with anyone I work with. You know what? I hate it. I am very lonely because I’m friendly and social by nature and I miss being able to walk up to someone’s desk for a quick chat.
I have acquaintances at work and have socialized with them but I have to keep an emotional distance, if that makes sense.
As Richard said, folks outside of this field may not get it and that’s okay. We get used to it even though we may not like it.
Kimberly Roden´s last [type] ..Less really is more
OH, yeah. And yes to Richard’s comments as well. I think it’s hilarious that I went into HR because I love engaging with people, and the very field itself has driven a huge wedge between my coworkers and me. It’s necessary to keep some distance, but it does make for some lonely days.
That’s why I heart my internet HR friends so much – I know I can get good advice, new ideas, and a shoulder to lean on, even if that shoulder is 2500 miles away. I just wish y’all were all close enough to have lunch or a margarita at the end of a long week.
@Richard, thanks for your comments. When I have a bad day, I know I’m going to remember what you said. That’s an argument for leaving that I never thought of before.
@Kimberly, I had some similar experience in the early days where people I was friendly with had performance issues. I was able to be objective and do my job–but it was awkward and uncomfortable, and like you, I’ve been more careful since.
@Franny,I was thinking the same things, including how the online HR community is a lifeline. And maybe I can get my two friends on social media.
Powerful post. We far too often forget the personal element of work. Work is the means to allow us to individually and collectively live. To often it can seem like work is the end to which everything else is subordinated.
John Hunter´s last [type] ..Work and Life
Hi Krista! Thanks so much. I’m so touched by your comments. I, too, can’t express how much you and Liberty have meant to me. I’m still catching my breath from my new job, but we WILL get together for lunch soon. I promise. I miss you and Liberty so much.
You’re right about loneliness in HR. When I announced I was leaving my old job, one of my direct reports was sorry to see me go, but admittedly also hopeful we could now be ‘friends’
I knew what she meant. And it’s interesting that so many of the same HR issues span the non-profit world and the corporate world. So… we will still have lots to ‘vent’ about and share and laugh over. And I can’t wait! I’ll be in touch very soon so save a lunch date for me!
Thanks, Amy. I hope you love your new job and I look forward to getting together soon!
Hello Krista! Thank you so much. I am deeply moved by your posting. You and Amy have been my rock and my support during those long trying years and I will never forget that. Like Amy, I am also and still catching up in my new job but will definitely coordinate our dinner very soon. It will be interesting to relearn corporate world after being with non-profit for over 10 years but I wouldn’t be surprised to see that there is not much difference between the two but rather just different approaches. You are not losing me or I should say us but rather will be gaining more knowledge and skills in the process.
I miss you both and can’t wait to see you again.
Awww, thanks, Liberty. I am glad you are enjoying your new challenge and can’t wait to see you and Amy.
I don’t work in HR, but I learned a hard lesson about personal friendships at work. When Allison (not her real name) was hired, we quickly bonded because we were both single parents with rebellious teenage daughters. Although we didn’t socialize outside the office, we often took our breaks and lunch hours together. Whenever we needed to vent or rant, especially about work issues, we sought each other out.
Our friendship ended when Allison began slacking off and I caught the backlash. Our boss refused to intervene, telling us to “work it out.” Infuriated at what I perceived as favoritism, I started looking for another job. By the time I left the company, Allison and I weren’t speaking.
Looking back, I see that our behavior was childish, and affected not only us but our colleagues. I also realized that work and personal friendships don’t mix.