Here are some of the more humorous resume moments I’ve experienced recently. Any identifying information has been changed not just to protect the innocent but also to prevent other HR professionals from poaching my talent pool!

This post is intended as light-hearted humor and not what I’ve heard described as “HR Tone“.  Sometimes we all just need to laugh at the silly mistakes we all make.  Here’s a story to show I can laugh at myself. Years ago I applied for an human resources position at the Nature Conservancy. Later as I reviewed my materials I saw  I’d mistyped the organization name as Conservatory. D’oh! No wonder I never heard back. You can be sure I was more careful the next time.

My top Ten This Year

1. Stretch. I was looking for a HR Coordinator. One resume didn’t include any human resources experience or the requested degree. But he was a certified lifeguard!  You never know when that might come in handy, e.g. for all those company picnics people seem convinced HR should plan!

2. Say what? One cover letter said, “Please check my profile (encl herewith) for more details, although I’ve presented a crux herewith in this introductory note.”

Plain English is fine.

3. TMI. One young lady included “pole dancing” in her interests.

Not appropriate unless you’re applying to work at a ‘gentleman’s club.’  Double oops: My organization is church-affiliated.

4. Brevity is king.

“Short Resume for Joan Cannon

I am a mature person, very responsible, and very reliable. I completed many courses such as [lists eleven].  Please e-mail me using jcannon@whatever.com or call me at [number].”

This approach, while free-thinking, really doesn’t tell me anything I need to know except that Joan is a woman of few words and is known to cut corners.

5. Wanted. “As shown in the attached resume.I have,extensive (3years) experence working with people.I am very hard working,conviction and drug free.”

He won’t stay conviction-free for long; he’s obviously wanted by the Punctuation and Spelling Police!

6. Love, love love. “I love art, music, theatre and working with people. I am industrious and a very good cook! Alos, I love everyone!”

Love the youthful enthusiasm, just wish it extended to use of the spell checker.  (Typically we would not suggest including hobby information on a resume. In this case, it was not inappropriate since she was applying for a position that included both cooking and recreation.)

7. No she didn’t! “I am a very determined and hardworking individual whom pays extraordinary attention to detial as well as multi-tasks well.”

Suggestion:  Don’t claim to be detail-oriented because it only makes any mistakes all the more glaring. Let your attention to detail speak for itself.

8. Gmail is free mail.

“From: Michelle [mailto: hotsexyluv@whatever.com]

My background, experience and knowledge would be a benefit to your orgainzation.”

Michelle, thanks, but I’m actually not so sure your experience and knowledge is a good fit for this job. First, log into Gmail and set up a plain old boring account for MichelleSmith.  Then spell check. Good luck!

9. Oh yeah? “Extra-circular Activities: throwing parties in clubs.”

My first thought was, now here’s a well-rounded person. Spell check wouldn’t catch this kind of error, so it’s always useful to have someone else proof your resume. Also, if you coordinate and plan amazing parties and it’s a lucrative business, by all means expand on these accomplishments. But if you just like to party, you might want to omit this little tidbit.

10. And number ten?

“Experience includes: Night Stalker, Whole Foods Market.”

I don’t think this is what he really meant. At least, I sure hope not!

What funny resume “oops” do you have, either your own or others’?

Photo by duncan

Early = on time, and on time = late. We all know that bit of interview wisdom. But when is early TOO early?

Recently, a candidate showed up an hour before the interview. That’s too early.

I had one hour of unscheduled (i.e. meeting-free) time that day, which “Mr. Smith” disrupted with his uber-early arrival. When the receptionist told me that Mr. Smith was there,  I had to stop what I was doing and respond. Had I, God forbid, made a mistake in scheduling? It was unlikely but possible. The receptionist checked for me, and it turned out that no,  Mr. Smith *knew* he was an hour early. I asked the receptionist to suggest Mr. Smith go out and get some coffee.

These exchanges left me growing more and more irritated. I forced myself to focus on my projects at hand,  pushing Mr. Smith out of my mind. But it was a bit of a struggle and an annoyance to boot.

Honestly, by the time his interview rolled around, I was feeling a little pissed off. If you’re a job seeker, that’s not the way you want to start an interview, right?

Arriving an hour early for your interview is like showing up an hour early for a dinner party. It’s disruptive to your host, not to mention presumptuous.

When you interview, obviously it’s great to allow extra time in your travel route, and it’s great to show enthusiasm, etc. But if you arrive as early as Mr. Smith, do yourself a favor and kill some time before making your entrance.

• Go get coffee.
• Go for a walk.
• Meditate in the park.
• Practice your interview answers.
• Read or listen to music in the car.
• If you live in DC, go drive around the beltway one more time.

And then, ten minutes before the appointed time, saunter in relaxed and prepared. Perfect timing!

Image by LeoReynolds

This summer, my in-box almost crashed after I advertised an HR position.

Nightmare!!

Never again, I resolved, would I slog through such a deluge. I quickly implemented several application tracking systems (ATS) to help manage the resume flow.  When candidates  tried to email or fax applications, I stubbornly showed them “the hand” and redirected them to apply online.

Fast forward several months. We have a high profile, hard-to-fill position. The resumes have sloowwwwwllly trickled in, and none have had me jumping up and down. (Have you seen me jumping up and down? If not, you got to see it!!)  Some resumes were lackluster, some atrocious, a few adequate but not inspiring.

Then today, out of the blue, a perfect candidate dropped off a resume to the front desk. The resume quickly passed hands and made its way to my my office.  Glancing over the document with my highly practiced (cough, cough) eye, I saw:

• Flawless resume. No typos, errors or formatting issues.
• A beautiful, natural writing style that made me froth at the mouth with envy.
• Cover letter painstakingly customized to the position.
• Well established connection to our nonprofit mission and purpose.

I took notice. I phoned the candidate fourteen minutes into her drive home; and later that afternoon, she came back for a first interview.

The lesson to my job-searching friends is that sometimes it’s okay to break the rules. I must stress:  I really, really want all my applications to come through my ATS. But I also really, really want to fill the position. If the perfect candidate breaks the “rules” to drop a perfect resume under my nose, believe me, I will set the rules aside and take notice. After all, the outcome is more important than the means designed to achieve the end. Especially when the resume and cover letter flow like silk, with no jarring errors to distract me from the message that she/he is a perfect match for the job.

In this economy, it’s worth considering doing something different. Mail your resume. Drop it off. Overnight it. Put it on a Tshirt or billboard.

None of this will work with a crappy resume. But if you a the perfect candidate with a top notch resume, the chances are in your favor that you might be noticed.

Photos by  SOCIALisBETTER’s and Ari V

It’s December 18th and applications and resumes are down by about 75% this month at my nonprofit. Apparently  jobseekers are in holiday mode?

It could be the perfect time to apply. Go for it!

Awhile ago, it occurred to me that I have been preaching to the choir. Still, sometimes I can’t help myself, and I find myself compulsively delivering the message to the wrong audience yet again. What am I talking about?

I am an HR professional who reviews a thousand or more resumes every year. We are a nonprofit social services agency, and more often than not, resumes could use significant help. I am not talking about a few creatively spelled words; I am talking about probable deal-breakers like these examples from this week’s in-box:
1. All contact numbers out of service or message cue full.
2. Employment history reading “2005-present” even though the last job ended in 11/08.
3. RESUME WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS.
4. No phone number at all.
5. Omission of the only job relevant to my advertisement.
6. Complete lack of spaces between words and punctuation,like this,and/or this,which is a bit disconcerting to say the least.

Since discovering Twitter, I have often posted resume tips under the hashtag #jobsearch. Eventually it occurred to me that my efforts were misplaced; if someone is sophisticated enough to use social media at the Twitter level, they are more than capable of doing a quick Google search for resume help.

Despite this realization, I still occasionally succumb to temptation and I tweet my #jobsearch tips, even though I know I am preaching to the choir. Frankly, I don’t know how to reach the people who most need the help but I can’t stand to sit on my hands, doing nothing. Call me an HR geek, but a resume at its sublime best is a beautiful art form, a portfolio gracefully showcasing the culmination of one’s talents, accomplishments and contributions. It galls me to receive these mangled pages, like the one from the woman who spelled her name Tamara on page one and Tamera elsewhere in the document, or the six-page resumes that are a hodge-podge of cut-and-paste from years of mismatched job descriptions.

Today I am reaching out to you, my reader, in hopes that you have ideas for me. I feel driven to assist job seekers most in need of basic assistance with resume creation, and I don’t know how to reach them. What can I do? Do I contact the high schools, the County Workforce Development office, organizations that help immigrants, and/or something

image by Strabanephotos

Are you familiar with the hit book series Eat This, Not That!, guides helping tweak your food selections one choice at a time? Following the authors’ advice, you get more bang for your buck–or calorie–as you hone in on the leanest choice in the food category, whether ice cream, buffalo wings, or fast food burgers.

On Thursday, DC’s Hot 99.5 radio host Kane mentioned a product marketed as helpful for hot dates and job interviews: bra inserts giving women the appearance of being—how shall I say this?—highly enthusiastic. Talk about making your interview outfit POP!

Is this really a good thing, Kane asked doubtfully? Will it help land the job?

A former recruiter called in and assured him it was a bad idea. She also mentioned she’s not shy and would probably suggest band aids to an interviewee arriving in that state.

Most interviewers won’t give you such blunt feedback on your appearance, but skimpy interview attire can absolutely cost you the job. Obviously there are a few jobs in niche industries paying women to flaunt their wares. If that’s the case, dress accordingly. But most of us are applying for a regular job in a regular setting. You can be a woman* but show your sexuality in an understated way appropriate to a business environment. Your attire should be not too short, too tight, too low-cut; and certainly, not all three or you only compound things.

Focus on showcasing your talents, degree, successes, references. To be taken seriously, flaunt your brains, not what’s in your blouse.

photo by fabiogis50,

After interviewing thousands of job applicants, the most common error I encounter is talking too much. A candidate starts to talk and five or ten minutes later, they are deep into left field as one thought leads them to another.  Job seeker, let me confide this secret:  if this continues very long, you’re in danger. A hiring manager may start to think that you dominate conversation, don’t listen very well, talk more than you work, or are undisciplined. All things you want to avoid, of course.

Some people subscribe to the philosophy “answer the question you wish you were asked,” and that’s fine–as long as you still answer my question too.  And in case you’re wondering, I do notice when you don’t answer my question and most of the time, it won’t work in your favor.

If you know you’re a big talker or tend to ramble when nervous, you need to practice, practice, practice.

PRACTICE:

Listening for the question. Jot down a few key words if needed. Ahead of time, practice giving a complete answer succinctly. Glance down at that note to make sure you’re on track and you’ve answered what was asked.

Different kinds of questions gathered from a number of sources. Include some off-the-wall ones, e.g. “Which movie is a metaphor for your life?” or “If you were an animal, what would you be?” You are not trying to memorize answers; you are practicing to observe your thought process and fine-tune your response under pressure.

With different people. Not just your best friend, but someone you don’t know as well; perhaps even someone who intimidates you. Or try using your family as a panel interview.

Complex issues. Writing or diagramming responses can be invaluable especially when questions involve a decision tree. You ensure you cover all bases and give the tightest, most thorough response. Then practice your answer in spoken conversation.

Using place holders to buy time. For example, “That’s an excellent question, how have I contributed to the bottom line at ABC Company.” As you’re saying that, your mind is preparing your response. And hey—worse case scenario, if your mind goes completely blank, ask to return to the question later; you have little to lose at that point. If they decline, at least you’ve bought yourself 15 seconds to think. And if you get really lucky, they may agree to delay but forget to ask again. Bonus: when they do come back to the question, you’ve had plenty of time to prepare. Obviously you can only do this a maximum of once an interview!

What are your best tips for interview practice? I’d love to know.

image by Forty Photographs

I’ve said it before: I’m not a purist, and I’m not a perfectionist. Still, I’m surprised every day at the some of the really basic mistakes I see in resumes, cover letters, and e-mails from applicants.

Following these quick tips would take care of some of the most glaring errors and help your resume be taken seriously.

1. So much information is available on the Internet, including free resume templates arranged by job title. Use it rather than trying to reinvent the wheel. College Grad.com and Resume Templates.org are two I found in five seconds with Google. There are a zillion others; compare a few and see what works for you.

2. Someone in your circle of influence—maybe your cousin, former co-worker, or ex-boyfriend’s mom—knows how to find a job. Find that person and take advantage of their expertise! They will probably be glad to help you.

3. If speak English as a second or third language, I applaud your linguistic abilities because many of us in the U.S. speak only one language. But it’s all the more reason to double-check that spelling is correct, phrasing sounds natural, and that you’ve followed resume protocols of your new culture. Have someone read and edit for you.

3. Native English speakers, spell-check. And it never hurts to have someone proofread.

4. Cutting and pasting your job descriptions into your resume makes for a long document, much of which does not pertain to the job for which you’re applying. (What are COADD reports in PDD-format, anyway?) Keep it short and concise, two pages maximum. For each job, focus on your biggest accomplishments and the most critical job responsibilities. Stay away from minutiae.

5. If you are applying for different kinds of jobs, e.g. both administrative and social work, have different resumes for each. Further customize resumes with key words from the position description.

6. Know that in larger companies, a computer will probably have the first pass at your resume. It’s best not to get too fancy with your format, and key words are all the more crucial.

7. HR folks and recruiters are on the fence about “Career Objective” statements. They don’t have much meaning to me, and it seems to be an easy place to make mistakes. For example, many candidates forget to update it for their current job search. My bias is leave it off your resume and treat your cover letter as an opportunity to expand on your objective.

8. When e-mailing the recruiter, use more formal language than you might with your friends. Capitalize, use full sentences, spell-check.

Free bonus tip

9. If you use the phrase “detail-oriented,” if will only make any errors all the more glaring. Consider leaving that one out and let your flawless resume speak for itself.